Every morning more than three million listeners tune in to Mike and Mike in the Morning on ESPN Radio—mostly to hear the Mikes’ (Golic and Greenberg) riotous back-and-forth on everything from why baseball managers should dress like real people to how to lose a fight with the wife with dignity. In Mike and Mike’s Rules for Sports and Life, the beloved mic jockeys put their unique stamp on, well, the rules for sports and life. In years on the road, in the studio, and at home, Greeny and Golic have learned that it’s all about the big stuff: separating order from chaos, ensuring our survival as a species, and keeping peace. For instance:

• The Fourth of July should be eliminated and replaced with an Independence Day that falls on the first Thursday of the month, creating a four-day weekend like Thanksgiving, which, by the way, could do without the Detroit Lions.

• “The Human Element” in sports officiating and weather forecasting sucks.

• The top pick in the NBA draft lottery should go to the team that came closest to making the playoffs—not to the team that rips off fans by mailing it in after the All-Star break.

• When someone says, “I’m being completely honest,” they might as well be claiming that they go to Hooters just for the wings.

• Kids do not get to eat french fries for breakfast. Ever. And who cares what the kids at the next table are ordering.

• No more designated hitter!

If you’re one of Golic and Greeny’s legions of followers, you probably can’t get enough of this sort of provocative, hilarious, and occasionally obsessive stuff. And if you’re one of those fans who live by the rule “There oughta be a rule,” then Mike and Mike’s Rules for Sports and Life is the book for you.