All my life I have been haunted by God." I remember
the first time I heard my friend Lisa Wagner say those
words. It was during her one-woman play about the life
of Dorothy Day, and it exploded within me: I too had
been haunted by God. As a small child I felt a mysteri-
ous, passionate longing for the Divine. I thought mysti-
cal experiences were natural, that everyone was having
them, and because my roots were deeply embedded in
my Catholic upbringing, it Seemed I had but one re-
course. A month after graduating from high school I
joined a monastery. I would become a priest and devote
my life to prayer and silence, seeking some sort of mys-
tical union with my Beloved. I had dreamed of that day
for many years, and when the huge iron gate closed be-
hind me I knew I had crossed over to a new world.
But the ~npty stillness of the ancient rituals echoed
within me and left me cold. Whatever it was I was
searching for, I wasn t going to find it in the magic for-
mulas and dogmatic insistence of any institution. I had
to leave, to search on my own. I was like Siddhartha
w
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